What clever things our bodies are!

I was awoken, at 4.40am, by what at first I thought to be nothing. I carried out an IBS (Initial Body Scan, a program run every time I wake), and noted that it was not time to wake up properly yet, as sleep timer was yet to reach 8 hours. Hmm, why had I woken up? A mystery.

I decided to run an SBS (Second Body Scan), this time covering areas such as my Outer-Room Audio Detection Program, and Do I Need The Loo? service. And there we had it – a full bladder! Happy that I had found the cause of my awakening, I rolled over, shut my eyes, and wet the bed.

So now here we are, 70 minutes later, still awake. Thing is, it’s all so EXCITING at the moment!! Japan in what, er, 5 days ish. Cripes O’reilly. And I still have sooooo much to do, like learn 150 kanji, go to Bristol for a night, strim the brambles, chop the wood, pack my bags, oggle over my beautiful mac… (I lye in bed and gaze across the room at the desk where it lies sleeping. If I were a Windows PC I would be desperate to insert my floppy, no, hard drive into its USB port, and download my data. The results would be, no doubt, the most beautiful halfcast handheld you could ever wish to create).

Speaking of which, check out these SHOCKING STATISTICS from Japan!!

Were *Twinkle* and I married it seems we would be in the top, er, 0%!! Most of the marital population being green with envy. No wonder they have a population crisis. Its not for me to say, but from what I’ve heard over the years I’ve spent in the trade it’s all down to the size of their willies (I can’t spell the plural version of “Penis”).

Having said all that, one should bear in mind that these statistics are the product of a survey carried out on behalf of a Viagra manufacturer, so one suspects they may have employed leading questions to make japan’s performance appear to be even worse than it did in the Durex Global Sex Survey, which you will remember ranked Japan at the bottom of the league table, at once every 8 days (although bear in mind that that wasn’t restricted to married couples).

Well, whatever, if the Japanese government is really serious about tackling the population crisis they really should start demanding that convenience stores sell energy drinks containing Viagra, or encourage Toto (Japan’s largest toilet manufacturer) to quit trying to sell people loos with built in bum-washers & Dryers, and instead install penis-enlargement devices.

JAPAN TODAY – HEADLINE NEWS

HUSBANDS ACROSS JAPAN COMPLAIN OF WIVES FITTING LOCKS TO OUTSIDE OF BATHROOM DOORS

Hmm, well you never know.

And with that, having offended 64 million men in the country I’m just about to go and live in, I think I’ll go back to bed.

Night Night.