Wow. The battle against the fear continues to rage. Of course, I don’t expect to one day wake up and no longer feel afraid, but I would like to reach the stage whereby I can do as I wish depsite the fear.
The focus has shifted from the Kanji to other matters. For the past few months Twinkle and I have been learning about an industry that we can see providing us with a secure passive income, which we can eventually pass on to our children. It’s ethical, it’s environmentally friendly, it’s got very firm foundations, a great track record and is fundamentally fair; we also know of many people who have overcome their own fears to make it work for them, thus have seen first-hand what potential it holds. I first discovered this industry 7 years ago, although at that time I was unfortunate in that the company with which I was dealing was not fundamentally fair and had a poor training program. It left a bitter taste in my mouth.
This year I have learnt that in any industry, you will find companies that range from very bad to very good. The company that I was affiliated with 7 years ago was unfortunately at the bottom of the pile – unlike that which Twinkle and I are now investing our time in. In recent weeks I’ve come to take it for granted that it holds the key to our future, it’s simply a part of our lives. My doubts have been quelled, there is nothing to fear.
So why do I still feel this fear? Well, the thing is, is that everyday, through reading various 3rd-party books (not necessarily strictly related to this industry), I come to realise that ANYTHING is possible. I Can Do Anything I Want (ok, within reason. My psychic powers have yet to reach the stage where they can induce a nightmare so strong in George Bush that he voluntarily cuts his testicles off and declares world peace, offering free massages to all iraqis). How terrifying is that – the idea that you can CHOOSE whether or not you succeed?!! The people with which we work are so positive in their thinking that things really happen for them – and everyday I come to feel more and more that I too can be successful in whatever I choose. I mean, look at the success I’ve had with the kanji since my little crisis last month (which saw me turn over a new leaf so to speak), it’s really been astonishing. All I need to do is BELIEVE I can do it, follow through with that belief and Hey Presto! It happens!
Thus, what I now find holding me back is not a lack of belief in the business we’re starting; it’s just a lack of belief in myself, and a fear of the outside world. I wish that there was an anti-fear pill I could take, because if such a thing existed, I know I’d be flying (ah, haven’t they already invented that drug…?).
I need to find more courage, and ban all negative thinking from my brain. It’s coming, slowly. Twinkle is a huge inspiration.
My thinking on capitalism has also changed somewhat. I no longer regard it as evil, period. Essentially, it’s a system, and as in any system there are players with good intentions, and players with bad intentions. There are players who see it for what it is (perhaps a cog within an engine that powers one of the many planes of our reality and being), and there are players who become so involved in the system that they fail to see that there is anything else outside of it, they lose sight of the fact that life has a far greater meaning beyond material wealth. No shopping = no meaning.
I wish to use the system to address the material side of my life, by redistributing material wealth in a fair way, to help those around me who need help, whilst never losing sight of the fact that it is nothing but a way to live day to day in the material sense, that there are far more important things in life than big houses and TV screens. I am not religious as such, although I do believe in ‘something’, and it is my intention, when I do not need to devote so much time to studying Japanese, to looking for some pointers which may help me understand a little more why we are here, what the point of it all is.
…I can’t afford to live a half-life, kept back from fulfilling my dreams by my own fears! I will tame this monster! It may still live in me, linger in my stomach, but I shall not allow it to rule over my every action!
So when am I going to write that book then?
Would you buy it?