I feel a great responsibility to make the most of my life.

I’ve been blessed with good health. I’ve been blessed with a loving family.
I’ve been blessed with a wife who is love and light.
I’ve been blessed with many true friends.

I frequently find myself feeling like this. Feeling almost overwhelmed by fortune.

When this happens during daylight hours, when I’m out and about, I might pause and smile, and say thank you. I then resume whatever the task at hand is.

But when the feeling comes in the evening when I’m at rest, I find it fills my whole body, until I’m buzzing. I’m gripped by it.

And it gets me thinking – what is it that I need to do?

I don’t believe that our lives have been mapped out for us. I strongly believe that we shape our own present through the decisions we make, both conscious and unconscious. But I also believe that it’s not just us and our logical brains. I believe we have a guiding spirit within us all to help us choose the path that is right for us. We refer to that resource many times every day when listening to our inner feelings (not ego) when making decisions.

I also believe strongly in Synchronicity, I see it manifested in my life almost every day, and have come to trust in it.

However, at times I’m concerned that if I trust in synchronicity to too greater an extend, I could begin to resign myself to paths that I might otherwise proactively choose to branch from. For example, if i find myself in a ‘bad’ situation, I might say to myself, “It’s ok – the reason will show itself in due course” and not make active attempts to end the badness, or avoid it in the future.

Well, whatever.

It’s finding that balance, between acting in accordance with my own feelings, and acting in harmony with ‘externals’ that I attract into my life.

This all relates to my feeling of uneasiness in not ‘knowing’ where I’m heading next. The next two weeks are sorted (CELTA), and an undefined period after that is sorted too – I have a job at an English school in central Tokyo. But what about long term? I feel I need a clear idea of where I’m heading, what my role is to be. But how far do I push myself to decide, and to what extend do I trust that the right things will fall into place to guide me when the time comes?

Mind you, even as I write this I find myself saying, “Woah there Joseph. Let’s have a look and see if we can learn anything from the last 30 years: hasn’t everything always happened at just the right time? Haven’t you always found yourself experiencing just what you need to experience at any particular point in life?”

Ah, yeah, that’s a good point.

But OK, even if everything will work out for the best, what decisions do I need to make today?!

I go back to the feelings of fortune I expressed above, and I feel that I need to give a lot back in order to redress the balance. But how?

I hope that I can get a clearer idea when I’m with *Twinkle* again. She occupies a central place in my life, and I find that my thinking is really helped by talking about stuff with others.

(Which is why we have the daily mumble.)

I look forward to reading this in ten years. I wonder if I’ll be any closer to finding the answers to these questions.

Night night. xxx