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April 2005 - what a jam-packed jammy dodger it was too! I rated my Poo, met the minister, got chased by a giant pasty, got to wear a pretty frock in front of an audience of hundreds (again)... ooh it was almost too exciting!



Friday 1st April 2005 02:58GMT The Red Light Cupboard, Sheffield

I'm quitting uni

I can't take it any more. The pressure of university is just all too much.

I'll never be able to speak good enough Japanese to be able to do what I really want to do.

I went into university today to fill out the appropriate forms. The staff were very dissappointed by my decision, but understood how I feel.

It'll be a few days before all the paperwork is processed, then I have to sort out moving all my stuff back to Herefordshire. I'm not quite sure what I'll do next, although I think for the time being I'll move back in with mum and dad, and maybe work at the local shop where I was once trainee manager. Whilst there, I'll have to think about what I'm going to do next.

I have to get realistic about life. I can't keep on thinking about leaving the UK, it's simply irresponsible for me to keep on ignoring the fact that I'll need a pension later on. I think the best thing for me is to apply for some kind of job in the hotel or retail industry where hard work will eventually pay off. Start off again as a waiter or something and work my way up to manager. At least I've got experience in those industries. It's pointless pretending that I can find a job that I really want to do in this day and age.

It's no use going against the grain, pretending that I can succeed by ignoring what everyone tells me, I have to get real.

I've known that I was going to have to make this decision for quite some time, but have been trying not to face it.

Hmm, I'm going to miss Sheffield.

Here's some more reasons why I've made this decision

Sunday 3rd April 2005 00:15 GMT The Red Light Cupboard, Sheffield


Congratulations to those of you who spotted the April Fool. To those of you who didn't, DURRRRRRRRRR!!! said in a very derogatory tone. As if I'd quit uni! I live, breathe and eat this place. Bricks tend to get stuck between my teeth but there you go.

Two examples of how much I love this course:

Case 1:

Yesterday, I saw this notice:

It refers to the Main Library where I am normally to be found every day between about 10am and 8pm. See what it says?!! Isn't that exciting!! It's going to be open 24/7 as off next week!! My 2 fellow Japanese-addicts and I were so excited on hearing this news that we nearly wet ourselves, and have been planning on where we can stretch out our sleeping bags.

[think we're sad? What about these people...)

Case 2:

This obviously requires explanation.

Our course, BA Japanese Studies is a full-on, hardcore 4-year course. The drop-out rate is around 70%, and of those 70% a significant proportion choose to switch to another degree - often that being BA East Asian Studies. Now, although BA East Asian Studies is still a full degree course, it's only 3-years long. BA East Asian Studies students do learn Japanese, but they only do "Japanese for non-specialists", which proceeds at half the pace of the course we're doing. So you see, there's this idea amongst Japanese Studies students that East Asian Studies isn't really a proper course, it's only for those sissies who can't hack the real thing.

There are three of us in my class who devote most of our time to our course, who, for anominity's sake we'll call Gareth, George and Hugo, even though their real names are Matthew, Jason and Joseph. In order to keep one another motivated we have developed several tools, one of which is the East Asian Studies Reserved Seat sign. It's very simple really; when Gareth, who insisted the day before that he'd be in the library by 10am that Sunday hasn't actually turned up by 1pm, we put this sign in his usual seat, implying that if he carries on in this shoddy manner (i.e. not devoting every single second of his waking hours to Japanese) he may as well transfer to BA East Asian Studies now.

Well, I guess you have to be here really, but we find it very funny.

(am I sad? Do I have no life? hhhmm, don't bother answer that one. Mind you, have a look at everything I got up to last month, I think I actually manage admirably to be a complete sad-O AND have a life. All I'm lacking in is a regular shag :-(

Sunday 3rd April 2005 00:43 GMT The Red Light Cupboard, Sheffield

Rate Your Poo

Been meaning to share this with you for some time. It's called "Rate Your Poo" and it's a sticker that I found on the back of the toilet door in the Main Library.

What a brilliant idea!! Note you can rate it according to 3 different categories: Volume, Pleasurability, Consistency. I see the winner scored 20, with "A good all-rounder".

Why don't you add a similar display to your toilet door and share with others the delights of Rate Your Poo?

internal link: our remote-controlled toilet

external link: how to use a Japanese Toilet

Sunday 3rd April 2005 00:49 GMT The Red Light Cupboard, Sheffield

mirror, signal, manoeuvre, crash

And I thought that the dual carriageway between Newton Abbot and Exeter was bad when I was learning to drive - imagine trying to navigate this monster of a junction when you've only just learnt which is the brake pedal!


Sunday 3rd April 2005 01:02 GMT The Red Light Cupboard, Sheffield

meeting with the minister

So yes, I spent half a day with the Cultural Secretary from the Embassy of Japan (London) last week, in my capacity of Secretary of Sheffield Japan Society. He was a very nice man.

It was very astonishing how much interest the heads of the various university departments showed in our activities when we accompanied him on a little tour. As a result of his visit we have secured funding for an event being planned for later this year, as well as support in the form of genuine Japanese costumes for a samurai play that we are performing next week in front of an audience of 1500 people. I get to wear that dress again for my 2-line cameo. Think I'll keep my beard though. Not sure about shaving my legs this time.

Didn't tell the minister that he's be supporting an event in which I reveal my buttocks through my ex-girlfriend's knickers. That's the ex-girlfriend who is now hanging out with a Japanese celebrity in London - spilt wine over his laptop the other night causing him to lose all his data - another achievement to add to her list which includes leaving her passport on a London Bus in order for me to chase it in another bus, dialling 999 to get the police to come to my house at 2am as I wasn't answering the phone (I was asleep) and something else which I can't recall at the mo.

He took myself and the president of Japan Soc out for a meal at a Japanese restaurant the night before. Being vegan I scoffed a whole load of Sushi - it's as irresistible as crispy bacon. I know, bad boy.

The only way is up, baby, for you and me now.

Monday 4th April 2005 23:10 GMT The Red Light Cupboard, Sheffield


Well well well what a day.

My classmate George definately deserves the East Asian Studies reserved sign tonight - he went home at 7.30pm after only nine-and-a-half hours in the library! Ker! Part-timer.

My brain is frazzled. It came to light this morning that the tecnique I've employed since last September for learning the Kanji is utterly useless when it comes to commiting the writing of them to long-term memory. This sent me into a bit of a spin - but with the aid of George and my teachers I was able to pull myself back from the abyss, and have since enjoyed remarkable success in making up lost ground.

Now back at home I'm not capable of writing anything intelligent - so no change there then. I can however tell you that I have just made the most delicious Kare-Lice (that's Japanese for Curry Rice) - here, have a spoonful:

It doesn't actually taste like vomit, despite appearances. Very nice with that organic mango chutney. In fact it's all organic I think, oh, except for the rice which usually would be organic but I happen to have obtained some genuine Japanese rice (the white stuff that's had all the goodness contained in its casing washed off it...) so I have to eat that. I managed to recapture the taste of the Curry Rice of the good old days in Tokyo City fairly well, although that hadn't actually been my intention. My intention was to make some food quick to try and soak up the rotten salad that I'd forgotten about - it had been stewing away nicely in my rucksack all day. That's the second time I've abused my digestive system this week. On Saturday I created a stir fry using a huge amount of beansrouts I'd grown in a kind of bucket (big brother's suggestion). The squits didn't arrive until after I'd finished doing the washing up thankfully, but I tell you, they wouldn't have scored at all in any but the first of the three coloums of the Rate Your Poo chart above - they would have got top marks for volume though.

Why all the toilet talk this month? I don't know. What would Freud have to say about it? Ah, here we are, from an essay sort of thing I wrote a few of years back:

"A child experiences five psychosexual stages of development, in which the libido focuses on different erogenous zones: Oral (age 0-1), Anal (age 1-3), Phallic (age 3-5/6), latency (age 5/6-puberty) and genital (puberty – adulthood).

If too much or too little gratification is experienced in any one stage, the child can become fixated within it, causing related personality traits to emerge. Trauma in adult life can trigger regression to an earlier psychosexual stage."

Trauma, there we are, it's there in black and white. Or rather, pink and white, or blue and white depending on which version of the Mumble you're looking at. Trauma, I must be experiencing trauma. I think it's a lack of close physical comfort that's causing the problem. The nearest I've got to anyone caressing me lately was George accidentally kicking me under the table in the library today, not the greatest of turn-ons, I can tell you.

I can also tell you that tonight I'm listening to Matthew Herbert aka Doctor Rockitt (I think). My favourite is definately "Cafe Del Flore" - here's a sample.

Have you realised yet that I have nothing to tell you today? I thought not! You were just hanging on in expectant anguish weren't you, your juices having been set in motion by my title to today's entry?! Ha!! Fooled again! Still, it seems absolute drivvle does appeal to some of the 16,798 of you muppets who logged on last month - only a few days back I received an email from a dear American Mumbler who said

"...thank you for your site and what a nirvanic revelation it is."

You hear that? Nirvanic Revelation. Gosh, I knew that I was good, but I didn't think that even I could ever have that effect upon a Man, especially one whose clothes I hadn't even removed.

Exams start in 6 days.

Payment of 1,700 pounds from Student Loans Direct in 6 days.

Publication of end-of-year exam dates in 6 days - meaning I can then buy my flight to Nihon.

Six days. six days. that's like, one more than five, one less than seven, but oooooohhh ok i'll go to bed.



Sunday 10th April 2005 01:00 GMT The Red Light Cupboard, Sheffield

just when you thought it was safe to leave the house with no clothes on

and just when you think it's spring, it starts to snow.

pretty sakura (cherry blossom) hey? I saw this lovely tree when going to buy a cauliflower the other day.

I bought quite a big cauliflower, and it was only one pound fifteen.



then tonight, whilst I was on my way to a Takoyaki party, I found this man made out of hedge. Is that a damn sexy hedge or what? If I was a girl hedge I'd sleep with him. Note the one strand of hair sticking up from his heady head head. I think that has to win the Sexiest Hedge in Sheffield Award 2005.

I had a thoroughly lovely time at the takoyaki party with a whole bunch of lovely people from Japan, China, Singapore, Malaysia and, erm, me. Above you see two of these fine folks allegedly posing. I'm absolutely terrible with names so if either of you happen to be forced, by a very big dinosaur who's just had a very sloppy curry and a test-drive in a formula 1 car and is thinking about the effect that postcards have on natural water courses, to read this page, and you would like to submit your names you are welcome to do so.

Must say the takoyaki was just great. We didn't make any with tako (octopus), but rather experimented with chicken, mushrooms, broccolli and even ice cream. They really did taste good, took me back...

Hmm, I just typed Takoyaki into Google and it came up with "Al-Qaida warns of Tokyo attack if Japan sends SDF to Iraq". Funny that, in a totally not way.

Lyrics of the day (from a beautiful song)

"A seagull offered me a ride
and so not to hurt his pride
I said I wasn't going far
and let him carry my guitar"

Oohh I'm not really making sense tonight am I? Hmm, it's my past (not pasty as I originally typed) catching up with me. If it was my pasty catching up with me it would look something like this:

(you have no idea how much effort it's just taken me to recreate the hypotheitcal situation involving my pasty catching up with me...).

Yes, Tonight whilst eating vanilla ice cream takoyaki I had the opportunity to get to know two lovely ladies whom I have seen about the place quite a bit, but never moved beyond the initial hellos and all. I ended up recounting a few tales of days gone by, taking my audience with me from the pits of hell (checkout 5 at Lidls) to the heights of heaven (on top of a glacier of blinding love)... I can see I'm going to be one of those old folks that won't shut up about their bloomin' past. In fact, I think I've reached that stage already, but without the beer belly or more than 5 hairs on my chest.

Shaved my head at 8am today as you do. Dear brother Stephen "helped me out" by almost skinning the back of my neck with his highly-trained aliigator. It's a hairdresser you know, precision teeth.

Tonight, whilst examining the internal politics of my lemon plant, I found this photo of me, taken a few years back.

Ah life was so simple back then. All one had to worry about was one's two orange buckets. As you can see, in those days I didn't even have to wear a bra. Muscles in my arms remain about the same size. Can't quite fit into that rather groovy pair of dungarees anymore though.

I wonder where they are now? I wonder if they are still in existence, clothing some child somewhere. It must be quite fun being a piece of child's clothing. You'd see so many different lives pass through you. Mind you, you's probably get wee'd and poo'd in quite a bit which might not be too pleasant (oh dear, back to the anal /phalic stages again...).

It's 2.04am now. I still don't want to go to bed now. Oh f*** I really really do want a girlfriend. It's the having someone to cuddle up to at night. Never mind the sex, really , I am willing to sacrifice my sex life (you know, the non-existent one) if for some strange reason you, that lovely lady out there, does not like sex, I am perfectly happy just to have you with me at night to cuddle, and push out of my single bed onto the floor when it's time to really sleep, like teddy at the moment. And believe me, soon enough you'll become addicted to the sex too, in addition to being pushed out of bed when I'm on the brink of dreams.I give him a pillow to lie on on the floor mind - and I'd be willing to give you two. It's just not natural is it, for a perfectly healthy, mentally unstable 27-year-old lad like myself to not have anyone to cuddle on a regular basis for, bloody hell, over TWO YEARS now!! That is shocking, is it not? I have a video of a former love sticking her foot up my nose whilst I'm sleeping (no, not her whole foot - I know my nose is big, but it's not THAT big), and I'd be willing to let you, mystery woman who I am yet to meet, do that too if you'd like to. No but yeah but hang on that means that I've been single now for like, well, yes, TWO YEARS. I tell you, it's this being in England business. English women just don't like me. I know why, and I'm sure I've told you before, but I'll tell you again because that's what I pay you for.

an artists impression of me age about 2 with a head age about 27

yes, erm, where was I? Oh yes, I'll tell you why English women don't like me, it's because they can understand what I'm saying, and so it takes them half as long as non-native speakers to figure out that I'm completely mad. Loop Da Loop, barmey as a barn owl, crazy as a drunken cobra and so on Parrot Sketch Stylee. You see, with non-native speakers, by the time they've become accostomed to my non-existent accent and thus able to understand the utterances that are projected from my voice box, it's too late, they are entwined in my net, or, as was more often the case, I was entwined in their net. Thus, following this line of reasoning, the chances of someone in the UK being remotely attracted to me is about 1 turnip in a field of carrots that's been sprayed with Monsanto's latest "Kill's everything with a heartbeat and turnips, except carrots" spray, which has the cunningly deceptive trade name of KEWAHATEC, or Kill's everything with a heartbeat and turnips, except carrots, for short.

Of course, there may be another reason, connected with the vibes I give off due to the very thick wall of concrete blocks that I semi-consciously erected a couple of years back for reasons of self-preservation. Now, how the hell do I dismantle this wall? (note: I tend to dismiss the concrete wall argument as it contains more than a trace of egotistical potato soup) Oh, I know, that girl I saw going into the toilets in the library yesterday. Oh My God. I tell you, I fell in love on the spot, I really did. It wasn't the usual reaction "caw, wouldn't mind a go in her combine harvester" (me, being a well-educated caring gentleman am naturally far above those base male instincts that go along the lines of "cawwwww, she is so damn sexy, I want to shag her pants off for seven weeks nonstop until my willy falls off buy her a meal or two, take her to the cinema, introduce her to my father, get married and then shag), no, I do not look at every sexy lady and, oh, erm, I'd better leave that one there because I can see this spiral staircase is spinning around and around... (name that tune, has a connection with lyrics above)

erm yes anyway OH MY GOD she was so damn gorgeous, my heart really did speed up, I was in a right fluster for about 15 minutes, even now thinking about her gives me butterflies in my stomach.

But all of this really is ludicrous, because my defenses are so high that sadly, I doubt that anyone could shift me in my thinking. Except her.

But, if there is someone out there who would like to be my teddy bear, don't be shy. The floor's not that hard.

Ok, it's now almost 3am, and I have two essays to write tomorrow (in Japanese), plus of course two exams on Monday and another on Tuesday. Staying up until the early hours yadder yaddering on about some hypothetical situation that is NEVER GOING TO IMPROVE is not a clever idea.


I said

oyasumi nasai - goodnight

Sunday 10th April 2005 23:01 GMT The Red Light Cupboard, Sheffield

it's the final countdown

16 hours to go...

Tuesday 12th April 2005 20:01 GMT The Red Light Cupboard, Sheffield


ooh ello! it's you again!

Well well well hurray for exams being over.

I'd made a wee mistake in my head when allocating memory space to exam dates, and as a result of this yesterday morning at 9am I was surprised to hear my teacher announce that we had 20 minutes to complete the test paper she was about to hand out - I'd thought that test was today.

Still, having absolutely no life does have its upsides - it makes exams a hell of a lot easier. I think I did OK, perhaps even pretty well. I know of three mistakes I made in my kanji test, three mistakes in my translation exam and there's a possibility that I dropped a few points in the listening exam today as I just couldn't figure out who it was that bought the pizza in question 10, and forgot to mention the fact that the outfit that woman was wearing was a traditional Vietnamese costume.

Results are out in a couple of weeks I believe.

I also managed to submit, minutes before the deadline, two essays in Japanese with a combined character count of something like 3200 - not much by grown-up standards but by far the largest amount of Japanese I've ever written in a single week. No doubt next year I shall laugh at that comment. *joseph waves hello to joseph-in-the-future*

I tell you what though, they have certainly cranked it all up a few hundred notches. Crikey, some of the stuff in the translation exam was serious Japanese - we're talking the kind of Japanese that Japanese children don't learn until they're about five-years-old! (Bear in mind we've only been learning for about 7 months.)

Another gentle reminder today from Sensei that the more Japanese we know, the more Japanese we'll find we don't know. It's quite scary really to think that there is actually no end to this. There may be an end to the degree course, but there's no end to learning Japanese. One can be lulled into a false sense of security you see, by learning all the kanji that you're supposed to learn, by memorising all the grammar points... you can get through the lessons ok, and think that you're making such amazing progress in your quest to master the language

...and then they throw something at you that is written for adults - and you fall like humpty dumpty and smash into a million pieces of egg shell.. Idiomatic uses of grammar elements, grammar elements about which you thought you knew everything there was to know, they send you into freefall and the whole text descends into gobbledegook, and you have to go lie down and dream of receiving a golden kiss from some fair Japanese maiden whose saliva contains a complete copy of the Japanese language in DNA format.

ho hum

Best go and eat.

Friday 15th April 2005 20:01 GMT The Red Light Cupboard, Sheffield

57 days... and counting

Exam dates are out!

Checked the uni web site tonight, located my two subjects, and smiled at the fact that I'll be done here by 12pm on the 7th June. This means I can skip the country around June 11th - about 10 days earlier than I had anticipated. Next step of course was flights - I thing 420 pounds is what I'm looking at. Will get on the blower tomorrow to some travel agents to get that sorted, ooohh then I can start thinking about my rail pass, and contacting people in Japan

oh AND I'M JUST SO EXCITED. ...In fact I'm on the phone to my friend in Tokyo as i type with my right index finger just sorting stuff out... oooohh 57 days till I return to my homeland. That's 8 weeks 1 day, right?

Oooh I got to wear my kimono today, photo on yahoo here I think. Kirei deshou?

5 minutes and a complete change in emotions later

oh dear loneliness stirring within me.

hmmm :-*(

Wednesday 20th April 2005 17:28 GMT The Red Light Cupboard, Sheffield

50 days... and counting

Very quick note - I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO busy.

Exam results are out, I got a First (over 70%, we're not told exactly) for translation which is good, although I think it was a low first. Got about 84% for Kanji. Listening I got a low First for too - so all is on track.

I fly to Japan on Thursday June 9th, (Air France), and stay for exactly 10 weeks. I am soooooooo excited. Flight was 580 quid though, serves me right for causing all that pollution.

Dressed up in drag on Saturday and took part in Romeo and Juliet - went down a storm. Pictures to follow.

No sex again this week. So that's, er, about 5 months now. It's just not right.

Am VERY HAPPY, lots of lovely friends, recent additions as a result of the play. Partying tonight, very naughty as I am so behind with my work. Time is just slipping away, I'm pretty stressed about it all but will persevere.

Must dash

much love xxx

Thursday 21st April 2005 01:04 GMT The Red Light Cupboard, Sheffield


oh God. I told a girl tonight that I liked her. And I do.

I've liked here for a while, but especially the last couple of weeks. We'd never really spoken until tonight. Of course I may be completely wrong, But it felt like we were kind of avoiding one another through fear of embarrasment etc.

Anyway, tonight, I walked her and her friend home due to "the danger of walking home alone". I know that her friend does like me, but although I do love her friend, (she is utterly lovely), that feeling is based on friendship...

anyway, we got back to her house, and I asked her why she'd said earlier, in front of her friend, "why don't you become her boyfriend"? (bear in mind that all of this took place in japanese and was therefore much more natural). well, she told me that she'd been talking about relationships and things with her friend the night before, and that her friend was really looking for a boyf. I said, well, you know, I really like [your friend], but only as a friend. The truth is [and at this point i went quiet and looked embarrassed] ... and she finished my sentence for me "suki no hito iru" (there is someone that you like?) and I said yes, but that person doesn't know (and of course I was talking about her, to her....) .. and then I felt obliged to leave. So I did.

Oh to be a mindreader.

Saturday 23rd April 2005 12:54 GMT The Red Light Cupboard, Sheffield


It is only when in great physical pain that one is reminded of how one lucky is to be in good health most of the time.

Yesterday it got so bad I skipped class - that's the first time I've missed a class since I started my Access Course in Bristol 1&1/2 years ago. Had to go to the hospital this morning as it all just got to be too much. Told that there's nothing the doctor's can do, and that I should just go to bed and take pain killers - which is what I spent most of yesterday doing, and what I shall spend the rest of today doing.

It's affecting my concentration big time though - I am falling way behind with my studies. Last night I even considered re-taking the first year as I'm just losing the plot. I know, I've only got four weeks left, but I'm not at all happy with my level of understanding, and feel frustrated that I'm being prevented by my body from doing something about it.

On top of that, my email inbox has been silent for well over 18 hours now, despite my sending a whole pile of mails to classmates yesterday requesting grammatical assistance ...and the girl I mentioned on Thursday (above), well, surprise surprise I have not heard a peep from which inevitably means that alcohol had clouded my vision and I have totally embarrassed myself yet again. Of course, that's for the best really, as if I was to get involved with someone at this stage of my studies it would have a severe impact upon my final result.

I just want to get better, to have my exams over and done with, and go to Japan and see my friends. I'll be there under seven weeks now...

Monday 25th April 2005 01:38 GMT The Red Light Cupboard, Sheffield

flippety flip

Today has been a little better, not too much pain, until about 3 minues ago when I suddenly felt as if someone had stabbed be with a blunt needle. Excruciating. Still, going to see my proper doctor tomorrow.

Managed to get over my feeling of crapness re. the Japanese language. I just have to put a hell of a lot of work in over the next few weeks. Got an essay due soon on the history of Korea about which I know next to nothing. hmm. I checked out about re-sitting the first year, but was told that the local education authority wouldn't pay my fees if I did that (I currently don't pay for them as I'm broke. The council pays them on my behalf - and I don't hav eto pay them back. My living expenses are covered by a government loan that I only have to pay back when I'm earning in excess of some crazy amount of money, and even then the repayments are pretty easy to deal with...)

So, no re-taking the first year for me. And, well, actually. it's IMPOSSIBLE for me to fail this first year because I did so well in the first half that even if I got nothing for this half I'd still pass... so yes, I have to put all those excuses not to study for the next four weeks out of my head and knuckle down. Difficult though it is when someone is thrusting a knife into your flesh.

I've been wanting to share these video still shots (thus the poor quality) with you for a while. I shot the film last week at the University's "Global Fusion" event. These guys were doing a capoeira (Brazilian Martial Art) demo. I tell you, it was amazing. I've never seen someone do this before, except maybe on TV...

He actually did a backflip over the other guy!!

Japan Soc also performed that night - the Samurai version of Romeo and Juliet! We were incredible! I spent much of yesterday taking my mind off the pain by making a video which I am absolutely delighted with - it's so funny, even though I do say so myself. At about 300mb though I won't be putting it on TGW, sorry. Here's a few pics though...

Spot the Joseph


Do you think that shade of lipstick suits me?



nick and zak

It really was a very special occasion. Really has made a huge impact upon my sense of belonging.

Anyway, I must get to bed. It's 2.06am and I have a class at 9am.

oyasumi xxx

Monday 25th April 2005 17:23 GMT The Red Light Cupboard, Sheffield


Yesterday I discovered that if you put a pack of butter in the microwave to soften it a bit, but fail to take it out of it's paper/foil wrapping beforehand, it catches fire quite spectacularly and the microwave makes a very loud noise, the kind of noise you really wouldn't expect a microwave to be able to make. Like a very noisy bumble-bee stuck up an elephant's bottom.

Speaking of elephants, yesterday I managed to work into my weekly Japanese essay, "three months later, as I was recovering from having been crushed by an African elephant that fell out of a vending machine..."

Impressed? I am.

Oh, you know about two months ago I spent a whole week writing 24 kanji over and over again in order to learn them - a total of 4,500 times I believe the final figure was - and I only got 8 out of 10 in the test that followed - well anyway, I have now discovered a new method of learning the kanji which only takes about 3 hours (for 24 characters / 200 compound words), and means that I do actually remember them all. I put it into practice last week and got 10/10. If only I'd known about this method 7 months ago...!

Monday 25th April 2005 17:23 GMT The Red Light Cupboard, Sheffield

i like knowledge

It's amazing what a difference it makes to be told what your illness is, even if the details of that illness are something that you'd rather not hear.

At least I know I'm not dying.

Monday 25th April 2005 17:23 GMT The Red Light Cupboard, Sheffield


Some classic subvertising from Bristol, courtesy of my friend J. The original ad is by the Liberal Democratic Party - elections are being held next month here in the UK.

The original


The Subvertisment


Tuesday 26th April 2005 00:03 GMT The Red Light Cupboard, Sheffield

uncle x 2

I was suprised to hear today, courtesy of a casual remark in an email from an old friend, that my sister is due to give birth this week. Friday in fact. I was sure she wasn't due for another 6 weeks, but no, apparently the baby has already "engaged" (this does not mean it is already planning it's wedding outfit, rather, it means it's head is in position in the birth canal or something like that).

Jessie, who is a nice organic home-birth girl, had her first baby (Jamie, now about 18-months-old I think) on the toilet - she mistook his coming out for her needing a poo. I advised her that she'd be better off risking pooing on the bed than dropping her second one down the loo. She's planning a bath-birth though, so I guess it wouldn't really matter that much.

She was saying that the baby in her belly is currently living in a sack of his own wee, which I thought was quite disgusting. Apparently all babies do it. Revolting habit, although as Jessie pointed out, your own wee is very good for you (just not the first one of the day which tends to be a bit stewed and contains a lot of toxins).

"Urine therapy is very effective, and it is always available and quite inexpensive, to say the least, which is absolutely wonderful in a world which sees itself confronted with increasing health- as well as financial problems."

More on urine therapy here

Having said that, drinking urine is one thing, but actually living in a sack of it is, I think, a bit extreme. Still, baby knows best I suppose.

Oh crikey, I just thought, I'VE probably lived in a sack of urine at one point too!! yuk. I hope I didn't go out drinking loads of Diamond White cider the night before...

p.s. Oh, did I share with you the insider information on how they chose the new pope?

p.p.s I was just taking a look at the statistics relating to TGW visitors, and they made me wonder...


a) who's been looking for horse cocks?

b) WHY did AltaVista come up with my website?!!

I just tried putting "Horse Cock" into Google - just to make sure horse cocks aren't mentioned on TGW (a family site), (which they are now, three times...) and it came back with NO TGW-related links.

Anyway, I shouldn't be wasting my time on all this. I haven't put any effort into maintaining my beastiality website recently.


What did you draw at school today Johnny?

Tuesday 26th April 2005 19:11 GMT The Red Light Cupboard, Sheffield


Congrats indeed to my clever little sister who just a few hours after I spoke to her last night had her second little boy, Ed(ward). In the bath it was, so no poos on the bed. Only two hours of labour. She's so clever!

I'm going to see her in a few weeks I hope, have to meet my second little nephew before I skip the country, and see if he's still drinking his own wee.

Wednesday 27th April 2005 23:04 GMT The Red Light Cupboard, Sheffield

oh i'm so bloody craP at being single.

bloody sick and tired of it. yet anything else does not fit in with my plans for world domination.

Wednesday 27th April 2005 23:50bGMT The Red Light Cupboard, Sheffield

I take back what I said above. I'm ok now. i have been dragged from the brink of despair by one of my flatmates and another friend froma flat above. They enquired as to my summer plans, and so off I went on a great big ramble about the wonders of Wwoof.

My previous entry was brought on by spending the evening surrounded by attractive women.

Then, when I got home from the bar, I phoned a former love in America, a girl whom I would very much like to see, and who would very much like to see me. You know that feeling - when you're lonely, you just want someone to tell them that they want you. I hope we can meet up at some point in the next few years because she really is a sweety whom I am very fond of.

I am now going to indulge myself.

Being a student, my idea of an absolute treat is sewing up my patchwork trousers whilst listening to BBC Radio 4.

So that's what I'm going to do now.

Thursday 28th April 2005 01:11 GMT The Red Light Cupboard, Sheffield

n o t o b s e s s e d

My desktop background. No, I'm not obsessed.

Thursday 28th April 2005 01:11 GMT The Red Light Cupboard, Sheffield

shashin ga motto okutte moratta

keikochan and Mrs Capulat (a.k.a. me)

kawai jan?

Saturday 30th April 2005 22:39 GMT The Red Light Cupboard, Sheffield

feeling the need to be skintight

I felt the need to slip into my skintight jolly-green giant suit this morning, and parade myself in front of the crowds in Sheffield City Centre.

So that is what I did.

The Daily Mumble April 2005 Archive


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