So this is it. I’m on the train for my last trip back to Sheffield. In seven weeks, it’ll all be over (that is, apart from one exam and my graduation).
Just seven weeks. It’ll fly by. That’s kind of comforting, because I know that no matter how many things I have on my to do list for this final stint, in seven weeks, they won’t be on it any more.
The challenge is to stay motivated. It’s harder now than ever before as these past few weeks my mind has steadily marched ahead of me. It’s now looking towards the wedding, starting a new life with Twinkle, leaving the UK, working. What makes it a little more difficult is that no matter what my results this semester, my final degree classification is unlikely to change. If my calculations are correct, it’s either a 2:1, or a fail (I’m not prepared to bust a gut for an unlikely first).
I should hear next week one way or another whether I got the local government job in Japan. I know three of my friends have received job offers (congrats!), but I’m yet to hear a thing. The embassy tell me that they send them out over a period of a month, so it could be anytime. Whilst the interview went well, I was very honest about my feelings re. Twinkle and thus am not going to be the most desirable of candidates: fancy putting a relationship before a job!
[an hour or so later…]
It’s been a difficult last few days as I have battled with myself over this dissertation. With my interest in the topic (NGOs in Japan) having peaked about 2 months too soon it is now a real slog to get the words out. In fact, I gave up writing anything half-decent and resorted to just typing up what I knew, almost in spoken form. I know I’ll need to rewrite it all, but if I don’t get something down they’ll be no progress at all.
With this frustration has come late nights, tiredness, and a short temper. I’ve been snapping at my parents, which I’m sorry about. I feel very hypocritical, but at the same time appreciate that I wouldn’t be human if I was always able to live in harmony with my core beliefs. It’s just a shame I chose them as my victims.
On a slightly more upbeat note, I had a lovely evening last night. Went over to see some old school friends who I’ve remained pretty close to since leaving. We sat around, talked, ate a delicious supper, talked some more. I felt so happy. They are one of the nicest families I know. So kind, so easy to be with, so welcoming. It’s spending time with people like that really reinforce what a precious gift friendship is. What would we do without it?
Anyway, bus motion is making me feel a bit sick, so I’ll toddle along. Must get to sleep as soon as I get home, we have a meeting at 8am for our publishing business!
Every time I come back to my parent’s house I make a point of a) eating mum’s home-made chocolate cake, and b) sorting through the stuff under my old bed to see what of my belongings can be given away. As time passes so it becomes easier to dispose of stuff, and it’s now reached the stage where all that’s left is photos, 40 or so diaries (written when I was age 10 ~ 25), Main Lesson books from the Steiner School, and a large collection of letters from friends before the dawning of email. Oh, and the two amazing jumpers which mum knitted for me when I was about 7 years old, which I’m keeping for our girls (they WILL like dragons!). Come July, it’ll be a case of packing these up and giving Yamato Kuro Neko (delivery co) a call – Sheffield Japan Society members being eligible for a discount.
When having a look for any boxes I may have missed last night I came across a camera bag: in it, the old Olympus OM10 that got me started in photography way back in the 18th century. I thought it had been chucked, and so was pretty happy to see it again. I was even more pleased to find the old flash unit that went with it, which, it turns out, works with my NIKON D40x DSLR. OK, so it doesn’t exactly sync – I have to put the D40x on manual and compensate -but it fires. Can’t use it at shutter speeds above 1/250 though as the flash fires too late and you end up with a section blacked out as the shutter closes (see example of various shutter speeds, from 1/1000 to 1/300 to left). But yeah, this is great as I’ve wanted a flash unit for a while now as the built-in flash tends to result in bland images, and new Speedlights cost a bomb. This one’s got the 360/90 degree swivel so it can be bounced off any surface, resulting in a much more natural spread of light.
Just watching my *Twinkle* on skype. She’s on the phone to a friend but left the camera on for me to gaze longingly at her. Happy. Haven’t been in touch much lately so it’s so nice to see her face again. Reassuring to know that I can understand almost everything she says despite feeling that my Japanese has suffered a bit since I left Japan. And reassuring to find that she’s even cuter on skype than in my imagination (tee hee). What will she be like in reality I wonder?
You know I said recently that I’d be taking the Japanese Language Proficiency Test test this year? Well, I’ve been thinking a bit more about this and decided that really, I’d like to enrol on some language course or have a weekly private class to ensure that I really do continue to improve. Also, I’d like to take some training courses of some kind. Exactly what kind I don’t know. Some vocational courses. I feel that if I’m to make the most of this chance then I need some guidance. It’s all very well having skills, but if you don’t know how to apply them you’re no better off than a hedgehog armed with an aluminium foil helmet being approached by the Wheels of Doom.
It’s funny really, on the one hand I am sick of studying, but on the other hand, the thought of further study/training really excites me. I guess it’s because I associate further training with almost immediate benefits to my family. Must be careful not to hide behind “needing more training” though.
Anyway, I’d best finish off this assignment that’s due in tomorrow.
As fresh as a Greek daisy. One of the first ever flower-shots I took, back in 1996
I’m glad I don’t usually have a car. Two parking tickets, a blow-out, and now today a section of the front bumper missing after someone reversed into me in the car park. I really am glad that on the whole, cars don’t excite me.
It’s been a pretty full-on few days. I was a photographer at a business seminar down south on Saturday – that was in-between the trouser-patch sewing, which incidentally when very well, although when I got home I realised that one of the patches was unintentionally shaped and positioned to look like a big testicle…
Having had the major Sheffield Graduate Award deadline on Friday, I’d spent much of the week getting my portfolio together. Thus, it was only on Sunday that I dared to finally re-open my to-do database.
Gulp. It was rather full.
One major to-do is my dissertation; I’ve got a deadline of Wednesday lunchtime to get the next section in, but it’s not going to happen. I felt very weary on Sunday, and it soon became apparent that I wasn’t going to do any work on it, as I was too busy hoovering, tidying up the noticeboard etc. Realising that this wasn’t a good situation to be in, I gave myself permission to procrastinate for the rest of the day – provided I procrastinated by doing stuff that was on my to-do list (but required less emotional input). That turned out to be a good decision, as I managed to deal with a whole bunch of emails that demanded responses, I wrote a journal article (1 down, 3 to go!), sorted out some wedding stuff, spoke to *Twinkle*, processed some outstanding RAW images, changed the wheel on the car again, and dealt with the huge bunch of paperwork that has been gathering on my table with the legs sawn off.
At the end of the day I felt quite happy with how I’d turned it around.
Today is the first day in the past week that I’ve not taken a potent cocktail consisting of a large dose of Vitamin B and Caffeine to keep me going. As a result of this, my body has finally had a chance to reassert itself, by sending me to sleep in the library at lunchtime. To be fair though, I was up at 6am again today for the usual (if temporary) morning routine: This involves picking up food from a community centre with a scary alarm, delivering it to the university shop, processing returns, picking up the catering trailer from up the hill, setting that up on campus, and fetching water. I love challenging myself to apply Lean Production tecniques to cut down the amount of time it takes me to get this done. I’ve now got it down from 2.5 hours to 90 minutes. I like looking out of the window when I’m back home at 8am, seeing the traffic queues and thinking, “wasn’t like that when I got up!”
With these temporary responsibilities I’ve ‘not had time’ for my daily exercise: the negative impact this loss has upon my energy levels is staggering.
Today has been semi-productive. I was in the library for about 8 hours, reading books when I wasn’t dozing off. But I have felt under considerable pressure.
Indeed, tonight it did all get to be a bit too much for me. Absolute exhaustion, and a desire to say ‘sod it all’. To ease things, I went and bought a big tub of ice cream, a bar of chocolate, and some stationary. I now feel somewhat better, and very fat.
More helpful than the consumption of 3 million calories though has been the recollection of a fundamental truth,
It Doesn’t Matter.
None of it does. Journals will still be published without my input, life will carry on without my emails, I will graduate (with a 2:1) even if I only get 40% on all my modules. Just pass, that’s enough.
As a treat, I gave myself an hour off my dissertation today and used it to look for jobs. That’s something else that has been on my to-do list. It wasn’t all that positive really, just tonnes of teaching jobs, but I’m not worried. I have a strong feeling that everything is going to work out for the best. I trust that when the time comes for me to act, I will know it.
I realised today that it’s actually going to be another 4 months before I see *Twinkle*. That brought me down a bit. I’ve been missing her so much recently, probably partly due to the fact that she would really benefit from my support at the moment. I miss being very much in touch with how she is feeling today, emotionally, and I miss her physical warmth.
Hmm, still, the way things are going these four months will fly by, and before you know it we’ll be back off to Japan. I am so looking forward to living with her again.
Well, it’s now 10pm, and time for me to go to sleep. Tomorrow will be another long day, bu a productive and enjoyable one too, and thus I look forward to it.